Category: Mindfulness

Chapter 12 – Beyond the Veil

A veil of mist and a sample of projection

Navigating Illusion and Truth in Life’s Stories relating to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy:

Since my last post some time ago, I’ve been astounded and uplifted by the broadening of my perception. I suspect it’s the aftermath of chemotherapy—the lifting of a fog! Meanwhile, my ongoing coaching sessions utilising Acceptance and Commitment Therapy sit nicely alongside my remission, which may eventually be labeled as a cure. Fingers crossed!

Time Line of This Chapter:

July 2023 approx – March 2024

  • Exploring the validity of memory based stories.
  • An unexpected phenomena around illusions.
    • Veiling
    • Projection
    • Transcendence via art
  • Hindu based concepts of māyā
  • Christian based concepts of māyā
  • Book recommendation
  • More books
  • The Last Word: Historical perspectives

Experiences so intense:

Over the past several months, guided by professional support, I’ve delved into my memories surrounding my divorce a bit over a couple of decades ago. This exploration has led me to revisit numerous recollections from the ten years leading up to the final days of my 18-year marriage. Now, I’m even journeying back further to childhood, where many beliefs were instilled in me by my loving parents.

Ah, the complexities of life – like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube blindfolded while riding a bicycle. If you’ve ever found yourself pondering the mysteries of existence while simultaneously wondering why socks un-pair, you’re not alone. Welcome to the merry-go-round of philosophical musings and everyday absurdities that make up the human experience

Along the way, I’ve come to understand that we construct our stories from fragments. These fragments often stem from experiences so intense, their memories are etched in fragments, too. Science tells us that when our heart rate exceeds approximately 150 beats per minute, our self-awareness narrows dangerously, leaving us to grasp only fragments of the experience. This phenomenon is why many law enforcement agencies worldwide now forbid car chases by officers—it’s not only the chase itself (incredibly dangerous, of course) but also the potential actions of the officers once the chase concludes.

Reflecting on my extensive library of stories, I’ve concluded that many are superficial, perhaps self-serving, and quite selective. Critical thinking and deeper exploration of their origins could have rendered them more accurate. Being open to alternative narratives and weighing them against our own would serve us better—a quest for a balanced perspective.

This realisation has lingered with me for months, accompanied by the nagging thought, “How could I have been so deceived in some cases?”

So, in the last few weeks, thinking that if I’m going accept my experiences (in therapy and otherwise), my commitment must be to ensure their accuracy. On this score then I found myself revisiting and rereading sections of…

To quote Joseph Campbell, the acclaimed author of numerous books on mythology, there’s an “Indian term for ‘illusion,’ māyā—from the verbal root mā, ‘to measure, to measure out, to form, to create, construct, exhibit or display’—referring to both the power that creates an illusion and the false display itself.

The goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the beat of the universe, to match your nature with nature.

Joseph Campbell

Māyā may remain an enigmatic and multifaceted phenomenon, however lets explore it:

Campbell elaborates on three key points concerning māyā, which intertwine with my journey and understanding.

  • A Veiling Power. The “real” is concealed or hidden. The inward essential character of things is not obvious at all.
    • An example he gives is when we fail to see the likes of white light, when it is broken into rainbow colours with a prism. The colours to my mind become a distraction. The phenomena seems deliberate even.
  • A Projecting Power, which sends forth illusionary impressions and ideas. To my mind we can be the unwitting recipient of this power, or we can project our own illusion onto a situation. Take your pick! Either can be valid, or a mix.
    • The projection manifests along with associated desires and aversions. Campbell uses for example that at night, “one could mistake a rope for a snake and experience fright. Ignorance (the Veiling Power), having concealed the real, imagination (the Projecting Power) evolves the phenomena”. The prism becomes not only the veil, but the projector.
  • Transcendence! In the context of Joseph Campbell’s interpretation of māyā and its relationship with art, the idea is that art has the potential to transcend the illusions and veils that māyā creates, revealing deeper truths about existence and human experience. Here are abbreviated examples that illustrate how art serves this revealing power:
    • Literature: Novels, poetry, and plays reveal truths about human experience and societal structures.
    • Visual Art: Paintings and sculptures use symbolism to communicate profound meanings.
    • Music: Melodies and lyrics express universal emotions and existential themes.
    • Film and Theater: Movies and plays explore existential questions and moral dilemmas.
    • Dance: Choreography conveys themes of unity and spiritual awakening through movement.

If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is, infinite.

William Blake ~ The Marriage of Heaven and Hell
  • Here’s a breakdown of the Hindhu concept:
    • Illusion of Reality: Māyā suggests that the material world we perceive is not the ultimate reality but rather a temporary and illusionary manifestation. It is often described as a veil that obscures the true nature of existence.

    • Creative Power: Māyā is not just about illusion but also about the creative power that brings the illusion into existence. It is the divine power that manifests the world and sustains the cycle of creation, preservation, and destruction.

    • Samsara: Māyā is closely tied to the concept of Samsara, the cycle of birth, death, and rebirth in Hinduism. The illusion of the material world keeps individuals bound to this cycle until they attain liberation (moksha) by transcending māyā.

    • Understanding Reality: According to Hindu philosophy, transcending māyā involves gaining true knowledge (vidya) that allows one to see beyond the illusion and recognize the underlying unity of existence.

Despite the absence of a direct equivalent concept, exposure to Catholicism during childhood prompted this overview:

  • It’s important to note that Christianity and Hinduism have distinct theological frameworks and perspectives on the nature of reality and the human condition. The concept of māyā is deeply rooted in Hindu philosophy and cosmology, while Christian theology approaches these questions from a different standpoint.
    • Original Sin and Fallen Nature: In Christian theology, the concept of original sin suggests that humanity is born into a state of spiritual separation from God due to the disobedience of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. This separation from God can be seen as a kind of spiritual illusion or distortion that affects human perception and understanding of reality.
    • The Veil of Ignorance: While not a formal theological concept, some Christian mystics and philosophers have discussed the idea of a “veil of ignorance” that separates individuals from direct knowledge or experience of the divine. This veil obscures the true nature of reality and can be seen as analogous to the concept of māyā in Hinduism.
    • The Illusion of Materialism: Christianity teaches that material possessions and worldly pursuits can distract individuals from their spiritual purpose and lead them away from God. This illusion of materialism may be compared to the concept of māyā, which suggests that the material world is ultimately illusory and not the ultimate reality.
    • The Role of Faith and Revelation: Christianity emphasises the importance of faith and divine revelation in understanding spiritual truths that may not be apparent through empirical observation alone. This resonates with the idea in Hinduism that transcending māyā requires spiritual insight or realisation rather than mere intellectual understanding.

This book will take anyone keen on the subject to a very comprehensive overview on the art of living.

“The Power of Myth” is a captivating dialogue between Joseph Campbell and journalist Bill Moyers, where they explore the timeless relevance of mythology in human life. In the book, Campbell discusses various aspects of mythology, including the universal themes and symbols found in myths from different cultures, the psychological and spiritual functions of myth, and the significance of the hero’s journey as a metaphor for personal growth and transformation.

Penguin Random House

ISBN 9780385418867

  • Some more books that delve into the concept of māyā and related philosophical ideas include:
    • “The Bhagavad Gita”: This ancient Hindu scripture is a central text in Indian philosophy and provides insights into concepts like māyā, karma, and dharma.

    • “The Upanishads”: These ancient philosophical texts explore the nature of reality, consciousness, and the self, offering profound insights into the concept of māyā.

    • “The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali”: Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras discuss the nature of the mind and provide guidance on how to transcend illusion (māyā) through practices such as meditation and self-awareness.

    • “The Essence of the Bhagavad Gita: Explained by Paramhansa Yogananda”: This commentary offers a deeper understanding of the Bhagavad Gita’s teachings, including insights into māyā and its role in spiritual evolution.


Veiling and projection are pervasive forces that influence our perception of reality, often operating subtly and unconsciously in our lives.

Picture this: You’re strolling through the labyrinth of life, armed with a map that resembles more of a scribbled doodle than a GPS. Suddenly, you stumble upon a signpost that reads “Welcome to the Twilight Zone of Philosophy.” You pause, scratching your head and wondering if you took a wrong turn at Gore NZ!

The Last Word: Historical perspectives:

I compiled these while evaluating my thinking in, number one, my formative years, and secondly when I became a parent.

In the 1960s, as television emerged as a dominant medium for advertising, marketers capitalised on this platform to project idealised images and desires associated with consumer products. Advertisements of that era projected images of, for example, the American Dream, tapping into the optimism and affluence of post-World War II society.

Meanwhile, in the realm of Western religious beliefs, projections often revolved around interpretations of biblical prophecy and the search for meaning in a rapidly changing world. The 1960s witnessed both apocalyptic fears and charismatic movements within Christianity, reflecting a broader cultural fascination with spirituality and alternative forms of religious expression.

By the 1990s, marketing and advertising had evolved with the rise of new media technologies, such as cable television and the internet.

Advertisers became increasingly adept at targeting niche audiences and projecting aspirational imagery to evoke desires and aspirations in consumers.

Similarly, projections within Western religious beliefs continued to evolve, influenced by cultural shifts and technological advancements. The rise of digital communication platforms and online communities facilitated new forms of religious expression and dialogue, enabling individuals to connect with like-minded believers and spiritual teachers regardless of geographical boundaries.

Contemporary examples of veiling and projection abound in our interconnected world. On social media platforms, individuals project curated images of their lives, often veiling the complexities of their inner selves behind carefully crafted personas. Meanwhile, advertisers continue to project idealised images and desires associated with their products, tapping into consumer aspirations and insecurities to drive sales. In Western religious beliefs, projections may manifest in interpretations of sacred texts through the lens of personal beliefs and biases, shaping religious discourse and practices.

On closing New Zealand politics is currently rife with examples of the first two points of illusion. I find it much to heavy though, but various players would provide ample scope for consideration of the various lens we could view their antics through.

Four layers of projection, or a transcendence?

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BTW current state of health, as of March 2024, is pretty good!

The next post/chapter will be titled something like, “What I learnt from Nemo”.

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The content presented on the site is in no way intended as medical advice. Or as a substitute for medical treatment. Guidance from your doctor or other health care professional should always be sought. Be involved with them on all levels.

Chapter 11 – Rewilding Myself

Rewilding in a mental health and attitudes context can relate to developing a valued-based wellness plan using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy:

As humans, we have spent thousands of years separating ourselves from nature. We’ve built cities, developed technologies, and created artificial environments that shield us from the natural world. However, as we’ve become more disconnected from nature, we’ve also become disconnected from ourselves. We’ve lost touch with our primal instincts, our natural rhythms, and our innate connection to the earth.

Time Line of This Chapter:

June 2022 approx – July 2023

  • About rewilding in human development terms
  • An unexpected and delightful connection
    • Insights into attraction
    • The needs of a toddler
  • Great books to read that I’ve drawn on to write this chapter.

An unexpected turn of events:

It was early on a golden autumn morning that I drove along a Wanaka road feeling the nip in the air that kept me from cycling. I arrived at my chosen cafe of the day, where Miriam, a new face topped with soft blonde hair, was engrossed in some mysterious activity at an outside picnic table. Her hands spoke of experience beyond her years, but her momentary smile conveyed the vitality of youth, artistic expression, and a thirst for adventure.

Yes, I learn a lot from hands!

The cafe owner, who knew something of my need for a quiet early morning routine during maintenance chemo, introduced us. Miriam’s acknowledgement of my presence was brief though, and I headed inside to my usual table, opening my laptop after savouring a scone with coffee and skimming through the newspaper.

My routine took an unexpected turn when weeks of COVID lockdown began. The combination of lockdown and chemo-induced fog kept me content until I ran out of fasteners/glues and materials for home improvements. Then becoming adrift I became preoccupied with what I called ‘The Butterfly Project,’ but that’s a story for another time.

A surprise came when the cafe reopened, and there was the forgotten Miriam behind the coffee machine. I couldn’t help but notice her ability to multitask effortlessly, brewing coffee while attentively listening to my response to the owner’s question as to how my health journey was progressing. I soon learned that she was not just smart but also a skilled engineer, artist, and former air hostess, and her physical beauty was undeniable.

As months passed, my routine persisted, and I found myself intrigued by her – especially her taking every opportunity to question me about many different aspects of my life. Very occasionally, like many months apart, we would walk together after her work, during which my feelings oscillated between romantic inclinations and those of a pragmatic survivor, seeking connection without delving too deep into uncertainty.

One evening, on the one and only time, as we sat together in the setting sun by the lake, I couldn’t help but admire the warmth in her eyes and wonder about the complex interplay of emotions in my own life, where I appeared happy and attractive despite the foggy misery of chemo. I had learned to postpone major decisions during such times, opting to do countenance any risk to myself. A default I learnt off an old friend many years ago when faced with tricky decisions involving others.

Skiing and adventure called her away eventually, and our interactions became sporadic. I received occasional texts when she was in town, inviting me for a walk. However, my questions about the nature of my attraction to her remained unanswered, waiting to unfold with time.

Reflections today

Now, after some time has passed, I find myself considering the possibilities and potential reasons behind her relationship with her partner (whom I never met). Perhaps they both needed each other while traveling to stay connected to their European homeland, their umbilical cords intertwined symbiotically to the past. Regardless, I no longer feel the need to find out the details. Our last walk was pleasant, and I shared with her some of the places that hold special memories for me – perhaps grounding myself in their comforting influence. I certainly learnt that her world view and my own were lacking in alignment.

The experience with Miriam brought light out of the fog with a deeper understanding of myself comparatively recently. It made me realise how our subconscious drives many of our day-to-day decisions, often without us being fully aware of it. The desires that originated from my childhood baby/toddler experiences, seeking meaningful eye contact and connection, seemed to guide my interactions without conscious intent.

While pondering the past, I’ve begun to comprehend how much progress I have made in managing my life, avoiding the worst of what might have been an ADHD predisposition from my early years. ACT therapy has taught me the importance of mindfulness, self-compassion, and accepting difficult emotions. With this knowledge, I have found solace in knowing that my journey, though challenging, is transformative.

Understanding myself better has allowed myself to embrace the present with a newfound appreciation for the complexities of human emotions. I no longer seek definitive answers or outcomes but cherish the moments of connection and self-discovery. The pursuit of self-awareness has become my compass, guiding me towards a values-based wellness plan.

As I continue to evolve, I know that more chapters of my life will unfold, each offering unique revelations and opportunities for growth. The tale of Miriam (btw name changed for obvious reasons) has been just one chapter—a beautiful interlude that reminded me of the richness of human experiences.

As the spasmodic Miriam days scaled down with a sense of gratitude and acceptance, I eagerly awaited the next page in my life’s story, knowing that I would approach it with the wisdom gained from my experiences, both conscious and subconscious.

As days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, I couldn’t help but notice a recurring pattern in my interactions with women like Miriam. The subtle yet profound impact of prolonged eye contact became increasingly apparent to me. It was as if a seemingly insignificant gesture held the power to unlock a cascade of emotions, stirring something deep within me.

One day, while sitting in contemplation, a memory from my early childhood resurfaced like a long-lost treasure. I recalled the times when, as a toddler, I would yearn for my mother’s full attention and eye contact. However, my loving mother, burdened with stress and responsibilities, couldn’t always meet this need. As a result, I had learned to adapt, perhaps too well, to fleeting glances and brief connections.

In our modern day consumer driven society that incorporates amazing technology few seem to notice that often babies now days are denied access to a parent’s eyes. Instead we seem to unconsciously want them to look ahead!

Now, as an adult, that unfulfilled need has become intricately woven into the fabric of my being, giving my outlook on life a subtle ADHD flavour. It is as if my subconscious is constantly searching for those elusive moments of profound eye contact, seeking to fill a void that has persisted since my early years.

The discovery brought with it a mix of emotions—compassion for my younger self, who had adapted to an environment of limited connections, and curiosity about how this longing had influenced my adult relationships. It was as if my subconscious was guiding my choices, seeking out women who, on some level, mirrored the elusive eye contact I had sought as a child.

With newfound awareness, I began to observe how my interactions with women unfolded. I noticed how my heart leaped at the slightest prolonging of eye contact and how it left a lasting impression, even if the encounter lasted only a few moments. It was as if those fleeting connections filled a void I had carried for so long, sparking an exhilarating sense of validation and understanding. And yet with no need to take it further.

This awareness, however, did not come without its challenges. The desire for prolonged eye contact could, at times, cloud my judgment, leading me to overlook important aspects of compatibility in potential partners. It was a delicate balance between cherishing the moments of connection and acknowledging the need for a deeper, more comprehensive understanding of love and companionship.

In this journey of self-discovery, I realised that my experiences, both past and present, had shaped the lens through which I viewed the world. While this “ADHD flavour” added complexity to my outlook on life, it also gifted me with a profound appreciation for the power of human connection.

With the wisdom gained from my realisations, I embarked on a path of self-compassion and understanding sparked by cancer. Instead of judging myself for my subconscious desires, I learned to embrace them as a part of my unique story—a story of resilience, growth, and the innate human yearning for connection.

As I continue on my journey, I no longer see my desire for prolonged eye contact as a mere quirk but as a poignant reminder of missed experiences long ago. It is testament to our ability to adapt and thrive, even amidst challenging circumstances. To approach life with a heart full of gratitude and wonder, we must be ready to cherish each moment of connection, however brief, as a precious gift.

A Swim in a Pond in the Rain by George Saunders book cover

This book inspired me to try writing the like of the Miriam tale above as a short story

A Swim in a Pond in the Rain by George Saunders review – rules for good writing, and more.

NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • From the Booker Prize–winning author of Lincoln in the Bardo and Tenth of December comes a literary master class on what makes great stories work and what they can tell us about ourselves—and our world today.

Penguin Random House NZ

ISBN 9781984856036

Scattered Minds book cover

All about ADHD in depth

Scattered Minds explodes the myth of attention deficit disorder as genetically based – and offers real hope and advice for children and adults who live with the condition. Gabor Mate is a revered physician who specializes in neurology, psychiatry and psychology – and himself has ADD.

PaperPlus NZ

ISBN 9780593714379

An Astronaut's Guide to Life on Earth book cover

So often in life I’ve heard the advice, “don’t sweat the small stuff”. If you believe this truly then you’d best read this book!

An Astronaut’s Guide to Life on Earth is an inspirational memoir of space exploration and hard-won wisdom, from an astronaut who has spent a lifetime making the impossible a reality. Colonel Chris Hadfield has spent decades training as an astronaut and has logged nearly 4,000 hours in space. During this time he has broken into a Space Station with a Swiss army knife, disposed of a live snake while piloting a plane, and been temporarily blinded while clinging to the exterior of an orbiting spacecraft. The secret to Col. Hadfield’s success – and survival – is an unconventional philosophy he learned at NASA: prepare for the worst – and enjoy every moment of it.

Scorpio Books NZ

ISBN 0345812727, 9780345812728

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BTW current state of health, as of mid July. 2023, is pretty good!

The next post/chapter will be titled something like, “Further aspects of Acceptance and Commitment”

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The content presented on the site is in no way intended as medical advice. Or as a substitute for medical treatment. Guidance from your doctor or other health care professional should always be sought. Be involved with them on all levels.

Chapter 10 – Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

An introduction and using breathing techniques while anxiously navigating rough terrain in a 4 wheel drive

Time Line of This Chapter:

Jan 2022 – May 2022

  • Acceptance and Commitment therapy
  • Mini holiday to Mackenzie country
    • Anxiety while driving in 4wd
    • Breathing technique
  • Great book to read.

As I began my first session with my psychologist, she asked me why I had come to seek treatment. My answer was simple – I did not want to get ill again. However, she gently suggested that we work on creating a “values-based wellness plan”. With emphasis on moving forward to things of value that give my life meaning rather than a negative focus of avoiding getting sick. And so, I began my journey into acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT).

Acceptance and Commitment therapy (ACT) is a type of therapy that can be helpful for people who are going through chemotherapy. Some of the benefits of ACT-based psychological counseling after chemotherapy include:
  1. Helping you accept the reality of your cancer diagnosis and treatment. (Chemo can be a tough pill to swallow, but ACT can help you accept it and move forward.)

  2. Assisting you in letting go of unhelpful thoughts and feelings that are getting in the way of your well-being. (Chemo can bring up a lot of negative thoughts and emotions, but ACT can help you detach from them and focus on what’s important.)

  3. Providing you with tools to manage difficult physical symptoms and side effects of chemotherapy, such as nausea and fatigue. (ACT can teach you how to be present in the moment, rather than getting caught up in worrying about side effects.)

  4. Helping you find meaning and purpose in the midst of your cancer treatment. (ACT can help you identify what’s important to you and align your actions with those values, so you can find a sense of purpose and fulfillment, even during chemo.)

  5. Supporting you in developing healthy habits and behaviors that will improve your physical and emotional well-being. (ACT can help you set and achieve goals that align with your values, so you can build a healthy and fulfilling life, despite the cancer diagnosis.)

All in all, ACT-based psychological counseling can be a great way to help you cope with the challenges of chemotherapy and find meaning and purpose in the midst of it all. It’s like having a personal life coach, guiding you through the tough times, helping you let go of the negative and focus on the positive aspects of your life.

Not long after starting the therapy, I decided to take a mini holiday to Mackenzie country in my 4wd camper truck.

Apart from visiting friends and family I enjoyed camping out for three nights at Lake Ohau in my small Toyota Land Cruiser. And visiting the relatively new glacial lake at Mt Cook National Park.

Camping spot on a glacial terrace above Lake Ohau hidden in the distance
Terminal lake, Tasman Glacier. Mt Cook National Park

On my way back home, I took a long four-wheel-drive route from Omarama to St. Bathans. Despite being an experienced driver, I found myself harboring anxiety on the steep and rough road. As I ascended, the anxiety began to increase, but I decided to use the breathing exercises I had learned from my psychologist. I found that the exercises worked really well and I was able to enjoy the high saddle and the long descent into another river system.

The long descent from Omarama Saddle

I eventually arrived at a very picturesque hut where I met four lovely people doing a three-month trip on heavily laden mountain bikes.

Homestead Hut, Oteake Conservation Area.

The next day, I drove to St. Bathans for a coffee and continued to another 4wd track to the historic Buster Gold Diggings in Central Otago. Once again, I used my breathing techniques and successfully navigated the rough track. However, I experienced anxiety specifically regarding meeting another 4wd on the descent. I decided to go down in the evening to avoid anxiety for the night, and to ensure a clear run. As most folk don’t go upwards in the evening.

Buster Historic Gold Diggings

This experience taught me that while anxiety can be daunting, it can be managed with the right techniques. The breathing exercises I learned from my psychologist were a game-changer and allowed me to successfully navigate rough terrain. Acceptance and commitment theory has given me the tools to build a wellness plan and live life to the fullest.

The 4-7-8 breathing technique involves breathing in for 4 seconds, holding the breath for 7 seconds, and exhaling for 8 seconds.

My favourite – words borrowed from the Internet

An outstanding book recommended by my psychologist!

“The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma” is a book by psychiatrist and trauma expert Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. The book explores the ways in which trauma can affect the body, brain, and mind, and offers insights into how individuals can heal from traumatic experiences.

Through a combination of research, case studies, and personal anecdotes, Dr. van der Kolk explains how trauma can lead to a range of physical and mental health problems, including chronic pain, anxiety, depression, and addiction. He also describes how traumatic experiences can impact the way the brain processes information, leading to issues with memory, emotional regulation, and interpersonal relationships.

In “The Body Keeps the Score,” Dr. van der Kolk offers a holistic approach to trauma treatment, drawing on a variety of techniques including neurofeedback, mindfulness, and body-based therapies. He emphasizes the importance of developing a sense of safety, re-establishing connections with others, and finding ways to move beyond the trauma and create a new sense of self.

Overall, “The Body Keeps the Score” is a thought-provoking and informative book that offers a unique perspective on the impact of trauma on the body and mind, and provides guidance on how to heal from these experiences.

A Penguin Book ISBN: 9780141978611

Aurora from my Lake Ohau campsite

If you landed on a single post instead of the Home Page then click here please to go to Home >>

BTW current state of health, as of mid Feb. 2023, is pretty good!

The next post/chapter will be titled something like, “Ongoing Acceptance and Commitment”

If you would like an email notification for new posts coming up (at least a doz. planned), then please leave your details here

The content presented on the site is in no way intended as medical advice. Or as a substitute for medical treatment. Guidance from your doctor or other health care professional should always be sought. Be involved with them on all levels.

Chapter 9 – Maintenance Chemo ongoing

Understanding Ongoing Maintenance Chemo for Cancer Treatment

6 cycles of chemo done. 24 to go!

Time Line of This Chapter:

Feb 2020 – Oct 2021

  • The challenge of maintenance chemotherapy over an approx. 24 months.
  • The words of a folk song and their effect on my thinking.
  • Taking responsibility after chemo.
  • Looking at the various brain wave frequency lengths associated with stress, sleep, mindfulness and meditation (which includes prayer).
  • Two complimentary books to read.

After completing six cycles of chemotherapy, I still have 24 more to go! But maintenance chemotherapy is like a superhero for my body. It uses its superpowers to seek out and destroy any remaining cancer cells that may still be lurking around after the initial treatment. It’s like a crime-fighting one-man-band, but with a lot more science involved! By targeting and killing any remaining cancer cells, maintenance chemotherapy helps ensure that they don’t have a chance to come back and haunt me.

The initial treatment, which involved a grueling six months of the intense combination of rituximab and bendamustine, was finally over. However, it took an additional three months for the full effects to dissipate, but of course, everyone’s experience is unique. Speaking of Rituximab, it’s also known by the brand name Rituxan and is used to treat various autoimmune diseases and types of cancer.

Maintenance treatment, on the other hand, was a breeze in comparison. Every two months, I had to take my dose intravenously (every two months instead of every one), which worked out to be just under two months (28 days times two cycles). The first few cycles were a piece of cake compared to the initial six, but as time went on, I found myself feeling more and more run down and brain-fogged.

Another thing that was part of my maintenance treatment was an IV of pentamidine every month to keep me safe from pneumonia, as by this time, my immune function was probably poor. Pentamidine is an antibiotic that is very slow to administer. The veins do not like it done fast, so 300 ml. would take almost five hours, which gave me plenty of time to read, chat with other patients, or sleep.

What I found interesting during the whole chemo treatment was that afterwards, well-meaning people would comment on how well I looked. This was in contrast to how I was feeling. All I can say to this is that I think chemo sort of induces a flush of wellness. Within each cycle, there were sub-cycles, and it would take me about four days to bounce back from each one. But as mentioned, they did wear me down somewhat. Whether or not I had a flush of wellness and rosy cheeks, the treatment was still taxing.

One bonus was that while each rituximab had to be done in Dunedin Hospital, the pentamidine IV (only it, on the alternate months) could be done at the nearby Dunstan Hospital. This meant an hour’s drive as opposed to four hours. The “feel” of Dunstan is that of a small cottage hospital, quite different from Dunedin’s city-style feel. And more relaxing, with its views out of the window being more in keeping with nature. Healing in its own right!

However, on the drive home from Dunstan, more often than not, tiredness would overcome me. So I learned to take a slightly longer route home on the other side of Lake Dunstan. Just before the Lindis River that runs into the head of the lake, I’d stop for a nap under the shade of willows. It was very welcome during the intense summer days.

"Spirit of Hope" rose, in Dunedin Gardens.
“Spirit of Hope” in Dunedin Gardens. On my usual walking route to and from Dunedin Hospital.

One up two down…

The whole maintenance chemo experience reminded me of the lyrics of a folk song written by my friend, the acclaimed composer/singer, Martin Curtis. Until recently he lived up the nearby Cardrona Valley.

I think of the song as, One up, two down… and the song would roll on at quite a pace.

And that’s how chemo felt! For every one I’d feel a gain, but as time went on I’d feel slippage back. But not to a non-remission state – it all related to the effects of the ongoing treatments. I used to wonder if my body would tolerate them forever. Maybe, maybe not! I guess the cut off point of 24 months was in light of the experience of others.

James Patterson purchased the Cardrona hotel and became a local legend. Known as Jimmy, he owned the hotel from 1926 until his death in 1961 at the age of 91. Making him the longest serving publican in Cardrona.

He was famous for controlling the amount his patrons could drink. It would depend on which direction they were traveling. Men going up the valley over the Crown Range were only allowed one drink. While those traveling down valley to Wanaka were allowed two. (He preferred to not supply any alcohol to women).

A late snowfall early Oct. 2020. Chemo or no chemo I was still getting about. Simply enjoying all on offer. But no drinks – no one up or two down!

Research has shown that 80% of the decisions we make come from our subconscious conditioning and beliefs. Our egos may not be too thrilled with this concept, as it undermines the persuasive power they can work with. However, despite this, we still deny this research!

Percentage and first paragraph attributed to neuroscientist Dr. Joe Dispenza. And echoed by other prominent figures in the field of neuroscience, including Dr. Bruce Lipton, Dr. Norman Doidge, and Dr. Daniel Amen.

And I’d add to this statement quoted earlier:

  • “our thoughts affect our immune system”,

to

  • “our thoughts, especially our subconscious and unconscious ones, affect our immune systems”

Taking responsibility:

About halfway through my maintenance chemo I had thought and asked myself, “is this repetitive chemo keeping me alive and relatively healthy?”

The next thought was, when the chemo ends then I’ll be by myself, having to draw on whatever I can muster of my own resources.

Intellectually I know I will not be abandoned by the health system. So I held that thought.

But there is something very empowering about taking extra steps towards the best probable outcomes. And in going there – taking on the work. Taking responsibility to new levels possible from a solid base of remission.

What unfolded next was a real ‘shot in the arm’ for me: I asked my lovely oncologist if I could have a second round of counseling and therapy, just like I’d done after my initial (potentially terminal) diagnosis/prognosis.

And, to my delight, she again said “Yes, sure!” (Taking up the story of the second offer will be the beginning of the next chapter of my saga.)

On the first occasion I was fortunate enough to benefit from regular sessions with a very experienced (and grandmotherly!) counselor for a little over a year – right up until the moment she retired, shortly before I began my first six intense treatments.

You could say it was about learning about how to die well, even. But the substance that had a lot to do with empowering me had aspects such as the personalities of my parents, and how they built my beliefs, my stories – and, apparently, my future too! All jokes aside, I’m grateful to my parents for all they taught me – it really did help me to accept death as part of life.

Fortunately back then, after each session I was fit enough to bike from Clyde’s Dunstan Hospital, to Alexandra down the start of the Otago Central Rail Trail, through Alex., and back to Clyde via the shaded and sometimes swooping River Trail, on the true right of the Clutha.

Perfect for self debriefing!

Meet the locals on the River Trail.

A common narrative of the day

Let me take a few moments to ponder the narrative of the day, that stress is often considered a cause of cancer and tumors. And that mindfulness and meditation can help to handle the illness and its progression. And of course the effects of treatments.

I’ve had so many messages telling me that practicing mindfulness and meditation are the bee’s knees – but very little information on the “how” and “why” of it all. I’m particularly curious because I’m the kind of personality type that finds reassurance in understanding processes – so I’m hoping to get some answers soon, before I go completely bee-zerk!

As for the immediate me, I’m potentially a living testament to the power of something beyond positive thinking. Having been told I’ve achieved remission through my attitude… That said, I’m not suggesting that I have the panacea or that everyone can rid themselves of cancer with a smile, or the below – but I think it’s certainly worth giving it a try! After all what constitutes attitude?!? Noting especially that if a negative outcome starts to set in, it’s not a good idea to beat ourselves up either. Again consult the relative medical experts.

Looking at the various brain wave frequency lengths associated with stress, sleep, mindfulness and meditation (which includes prayer).

A synopsis of all I’ve read:

Brain wave frequency and amplitude can have a significant effect on healthy gene expression and the production of new cells. The frequency and amplitude of brain waves can influence the release of hormones and neurotransmitters, which in turn can affect gene expression and cell growth. Brain waves can also influence the activity of enzymes involved in gene expression, which can further affect the production of new cells. Therefore, the frequency and amplitude of brain waves can have a direct impact on healthy gene expression and the production of new cells.

The brain waves that are related to stress are Beta (13–30 Hz) and Alpha (8–13 Hz). Beta waves are associated with alertness, concentration, and stress, while alpha waves are associated with relaxation and meditation. Low beta keeps the automatic processes that run our bodies on track. High is often referred to as “monkey brain”. And to my mind the state to recognise and then exit stage left!

Alpha (8–13 Hz). Then there is Theta (4–8 Hz), Delta (0.1–4 Hz) and Gamma (30–100 Hz). Alpha waves are associated with relaxation and meditation, theta waves are associated with deep relaxation, dreamless sleep, and creativity, delta waves are associated with deep, dreamless sleep, and gamma waves are associated with heightened focus and problem-solving.

What is relevant to myself is that (intuitively) from 2017 onward until today Jan. 2023, is that I regularly meditate, using guided audio, that is designed to facilitate alpha. Which is thought to be the bridge that connects them all. And before that… well 12 years of yoga 1-3 hours a week. This is how I roll, knowing it won’t be everyone’s cup-of-tea.

Following on from my evolving thoughts on brain wave frequency lengths as they relate to stress, mindfulness, sleep and meditation , I then researched this question: Can aged genes and cells turn into cancer tumors?

Yes, aged genes and cells can turn into cancerous tumors. Cancerous tumors develop when damaged or aged cells grow and divide in an uncontrolled manner, forming a mass of cancer cells. Aged genes, which can be caused by environmental factors and/or genetics, can cause mutations in the cells that can lead to cancer.

Can the expression of beta brain wave frequencies interfere with the destruction of aged genes?

No, the expression of beta brain wave frequencies cannot interfere with the destruction of aged genes. Beta brain waves are associated with alertness, concentration, and stress, and their expression does not impact the destruction of aged genes. However, beta brain waves can influence gene expression and cell growth, which can in turn affect the production of new cells and the destruction of aged cells.

Much of the above distills what is covered in detail in these two complimentary books below. I used artificial intelligence software to save myself a lot of compilation and summary work with correct grammar. Thankfully as a cross check on facts the match was near identical:

I loved how every topic has references back to the research.

Best Health Book of 2018 – American Book Fest. Best Science Books of 2018 – Bookbub. Every creation begins as a thought, from a symphony to a marriage to an ice cream cone to a rocket launch. When we have an intention, a complex chain of events begins in our brains. Thoughts travel as electrical impulses along neural pathways. When neurons fire together they wire together, creating electromagnetic fields. These fields are invisible energy, yet they influence the molecules of matter around us the way a magnet organizes iron filings. In Mind to Matter, award-winning researcher Dawson Church explains the science showing how our minds create matter.

By Dawson Church

This is a book that I plan to reread, and come back to often as an inspiration.

The New York Times bestseller everyone is talking about.

By tapping into traditions of meditation and mindfulness, author and spiritual teacher Michael A. Singer shows how the development of consciousness can enable us all to dwell in the present moment and let go of painful thoughts and memories that keep us from achieving happiness and self-realization.

The Untethered Soul begins by walking you through your relationship with your thoughts and emotions, helping you uncover the source and fluctuations of your inner energy. It then delves into what you can do to free yourself from the habitual thoughts, emotions, and energy patterns that limit your consciousness. Finally, with perfect clarity, this book opens the door to a life lived in the freedom of your innermost being.

By Michael A. Singer

A Reminder..

This is written with the best of intentions, but let’s be clear – I’m not claiming to have found a miracle cure for serious illnesses. Far from it. Instead, I’m just sharing my own experiences and throwing out a few ideas, all with the goal of promoting good mental health. Who knows, maybe it’ll even have a positive impact on our physical health too!

Alexandra in Central Otago. My camper truck lower left. Near Shaky Bridge.
Student flats in Dunedin. Full of colour but not as visually enticing as the abodes in Alexandra. Walking my very own (El)Chemino trail!

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BTW current state of health, as of Jan 2023, is pretty good!

The next post/chapter will be titled something like, “Acceptance and Committment”

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